REVIEW: Two Mothers Bond over Grief for Lost Children

The two women were introduced to each other by a mutual friend and embarked on a bonding process that helped them both deal with their grief and create a new and important friendship. The act of sharing their experiences also led to the writing of this book.

The Griefland of the title refers to that “uncharted territory, surrounded by chaos and uncertainty.” As they say in their jointly-written introduction, “Throughout this grief journey, we’ve leaned on each other’s shoulders, borrowed makeup to cover tearstains, and stayed up into the wee hours rehashing our children’s lives. Through this unlikely pact born of tragedy, we have discovered the medicinal power of friendship.”

The book is organized around alternating chapters by each author with an introductory commentary to each chapter. When they meet, Bacon’s son has been gone for nearly five years, while Miller’s daughter has died relatively recently.

What remains somewhat obscure are the histories of Alex and Rachel, the children who are mourned. While it is clear that both families (Miller is divorced) struggled mightily with their children’s problems and addictions prior to what was, apparently, suicide in both cases, the authors provide few substantial facts that would help the reader understand why these tragic events took place. It is reasonable to assume that the mothers themselves have little insight into the causes of their children’s drug addictions.

Miller does recount the last dinner she had with her daughter before she overdosed on Christmas Day. “I … spent my last evening with Rachel. She was out of rehab, relapsing again, and we had agreed that she would not be allowed to come home until she could demonstrate she was clean for at least one year.” And thus, the reader is left to surmise that there had been multiple attempts at rehabilitation.

The focus of the book is relentlessly on the experience of loss, grief and the act of sharing grief. And there has been a certain trend in recent years, led by the well-known writer Joan Didion, to set down accounts of personal loss. Didion has published two widely-publicized books, The Year of Magical Thinking and Blue Nights, about the deaths, respectively, of her husband and daughter. This book is situated squarely in that trend.