Panel Sheds Light on Domestic Violence

“The solution is not just to provide resources, although that is important,” she said, “on the way to revolutionary reform — revolutionary of the mind, of the law.”

She noted that the laws in the US have “never recognized women as equal persons under the law. We have never had equal protection of the law.”

“The Supreme Court made clear in the aftermath of 1868 [the 14^th Amendment]  in all of its decisions that women are not persons. If you are not a person, you don’t have any rights, much less quell rights. Women became persons in this country in 1971. The supreme court said we will give you personhood but only unequal personhood,” she said.

“That is the current status of women in this country,” she said.

Koutoujian was the sole man on the panel. Now the sheriff of Middlesex County, he is a former prosecutor, member of the State House who served on the REACH board. For decades he has been an advocate for bringing in men into the domestic violence conversation.

Koutoujian said that “As a man, it is important that men speak about this and example and model good behaviors. It’s not for us to come and take over the situation, which is sometimes a tendency that men have.”

He spoke about the cycle of abuse. “The first time I learned about it was at the DA’s office. I came to understand the cycle of abuse. It is so similar case after case after case.”

He then went on to describe the four different phases in an abusive relationship. Those include “tension, to explosion, to honeymoon, to calm. It is important to understand how it happens over and over again; aside from the power people exert to keep people in relationship, how this cycle can keep people in relationships,” he said.

He explained that in the first phase, there is a sense of walking on eggshells, leading to an explosion in the form of physical or sexual abuse, followed by the reconciliation phase, where the abuser apologizes, says they will never repeat the behavior followed by a period of calm. “Eventually the tension builds up” and the cycle begins again, Koutoujian said.

Garibian asked the panel why survivors or victims chose to stay in such relationships.

“People stay in relationships because that honeymoon period or even that calm period was something they wanted so much and they didn’t understand why everything else was happening,” Koutoujian said.

Nackel explained, “In the years I’ve been doing advocacy, I hear more and more reasons. I think love is by far the most common reason. I think it’s important to add to that every relationship, especially abusive relationships, start in the honeymoon phase. If any of us went on a date with someone and they punched us, would there be a second date?”

She said often survivors stay in relationships because “they’re trying to get back to that relationship. They describe that to me as the real relationship. The problem is that abusive relationships are done very intentionally. They move gradually so you have a buy in, whether you have children together, move in together or have a house together.”

Another aspect is immigration status, with some people being sponsored by their spouses, who fear that if they leave them, the spouse could revoke their status.

“In the current environment, it is a particularly scary time” for those with their citizenship in limbo, Nackel noted.

Another issue victims feel is “who will believe me” or even some who shared their situations with friends and family but who in turn were either not believed or their suffering was minimized, she added.

Cleary, the activities coordinator at the Brahma Kumaris Meditation Center, spoke about the spiritual lack many victims feel. She said, “Without that kind of self-respect and self-love, people will stay anywhere, doing anything, to have the feeling ‘I belong somewhere.’”

Murphy, in a similar vein, noted, “In addition to all the other reasons women stay, they stay because they feel hopeless. ‘I can’t imagine that anyone is going to help me.’”

Added Koutoujian, “For many of the people, they don’t understand what a healthy relationship is. What they want is the best parts of that relationship, but that relationship can never be partitioned into the good parts or the bad parts,” he said.

He said that is why it is so important to monitor their children’s first relationships to make sure that they understand the dos and don’ts and don’t fall into an abusive relationship, which can be a model for all future relationship.

Murphy was even more blunt. “We raise girls to be obedient, to be nice, to be the peacekeeper. And that has got to stop. We don’t raise boys to feel those same things. We are creating the imbalance.”

She then offered some startling conclusions. “The number-one crime in every city and town in Massachusetts is domestic abuse. The number-one crime in every district court in Massachusetts is domestic abuse. When Peter and I were prosecutors 40 years ago, that was not the case, I promise you,” Murphy added.

Many times they might call the police and the man would be arrested, but in a revolving door, the charges would be dropped, again and again. “What happens after the third or fourth call? She stops calling because she has learned that there is no hope, that she has to choose between living with abuse and homelessness,” she said.

“And then we try to blame them for not speaking up,” she added.

Koutoujian said that when he first got involved with the issue, he would often be the only man in the room, though that has changed now. “There is a much greater place for men in this conversation,” he said. He was involved in the White Ribbon group.

Garibian said tight knit communities have a hard time acknowledging domestic violence. In addition, many may want to help but not know how. She asked what bystanders can do when they see violence.

Replied Murphy, “I try to train myself by going to trauma therapists who teach how to deal with victims.”

She said “There is no shame, there is no stigma. The only one who deserves shame and stigma is the abuser. End of discussion.”

“Family privacy is a huge problem because culturally we think things that happen behind closed doors are not our business. That is true some of the time but none of the time when it comes to abuse. There is zero confidentiality in crime that happens behind closed doors,” Murphy added.

The panelists stressed that abuse happens just as often in wealthy towns as in poorer cities. “It happens just as much,” Koutoujian said.

Koutoujian recalled that when he was a prosecutor, there would be an arrest following a call to the police after a domestic violence incident. “The victim would ask for the case to be dismissed. Happens a lot. It could be because they love the person or could be because they are afraid or they’ve got a child at home or they have no place to go or their partner has no place to go. It could be completely financial,” he said. “There are a lot of different reasons.”

Often, it takes many times for a victim who reports their abuser to be willing to go through with pursuing charges. Those in law enforcement may get frustrated, he said, but at that point, they have to make sure they extend a hand to those victims.

Nackel concurred, adding it could take between seven to 13 calls to the police before a victim leaves an abusive relationship.

Murphy further explained that there are many reasons victims stay, including a fear of being alone, but stressed that instead of asking why they stay, observers should judge the abuser for their actions.

Offering empathy and a receptive ear were stressed again and again.

Cleary suggested that meditation would help victims to “calm the mind.”

“Meditation invites you to step away from what is going on outside and you turn your attention inward, in the sacred space within. You begin to recognize that you are more than the body, there is a soul,” she said. That can lead to “a power that comes from a connection with what me may call a divine source.”

She stressed, “Healing is an important step no matter where we are in the process. I know this because I had this situation early in my life. I turned to that space when I turned inward and I began to realize that I had the same rights to a peaceful, loving, happy life as anyone else. When I was willing to do the inner work to heal the heart from the experience, then everything began to change.”

A question-and-answer session followed the discussion.

Victims of domestic abuse can contact any of the institutions mentioned or call the national hotline at 1-800-799-7233.